I'm trying to balance work and two kids, the guilt that comes along with being home for the last three months and suddenly leaving them. I hate it. I love a paycheck and I love using my brain for adult conversation and tasks, but I miss my kiddos. I will say, some bad habits can develop over the course of a long maternity leave. For one thing, there's only so much you can do with a two-year old and a newborn when it's cold out, and I became an expert at every show on Nick, Jr. I know every show that's on HGTV and I was briefly obsessed with Ellen DeGeneres (I really miss her and really think we could be besties). And no, I don't need to eat every single time I'm nursing Charlotte - or do I? What's another handful of Cheez-its when you are married to your sweats? But I digress. It's the first week back to work and I'm not happy about it. I find myself wondering if it's real. Did I ever actually leave? It's like summer vacation - once you step back into the school, it's a distant memory. I sometimes think I am still pregnant and thought I saw my former big-bellied self in a window reflection.

Charlotte is a dreamy little gal who is at her chattiest in the morning (probably because she actually sleeps!!!) and loves to have her diaper changed (foreshadowing to an easy potty training, perhaps?). She is starting to holler and laugh and I love it. She is such an easygoing baby - how did we get so lucky? Two fantastic babes! Jack is finally agreeing to go to the bathroom...could it be the Diego underwear? Maybe it's the Pop Rocks that hubby has turned him onto when he goes alone. Either way, I'm at the point where I'd feed him sugar cubes just to be done with it, so I think we're almost there!

Speaking of Jack. He is not interested in sharing his parents with little Charlotte. Don't get me wrong, he treats her wonderfully, but the brunt of his frustration is now taken out on mom. He is no longer mama's boy, but daddy's. He talks back. He hits things. He even told me I was going to get my ass spanked. Very nice. Especially considering ass is the one cuss word that hasn't slipped out in front of him, so I'm wondering where he heard it. I don't want him to hate me and I know he doesn't, but it hurts. Just the other morning he was laying with hubby and I came in to kiss him, he said, "Don't bother us, Mommy." Sob. This morning I brought him milk and he said, "I want Daddy to bring the milk, not you." Sob sob. I cried to hubby but he doesn't get it. He didn't nurse the child for a year, wake up with him every two hours for almost a year, cry at work when he left him for the first time, pump milk every day at work for a zillion days, sing the KU alma mater and any other song he wanted at bedtime (I'm no longer wanted at bedtime now, apparently), carry him everywhere, even while nine months pregnant because I wanted to hold him for as long as possible, and sneak into his bedroom long after he was sleeping just to see him one last time...I could go on, but then I'd be crying even harder. Like any mother, I will keep trying, keep loving, and keep waiting for him to come back around.