Ding Ding! Round Three!

As I head into the final third of this pregnancy, there are a few thoughts that come to mind. Each day over my lunch hour, I watch The Baby Story, hoping for some indication or insight as to what my future holds in 3 months as I slip my feet into the stirrups and bring Baby into the world. So, from my channel 43 observations, here's my request list for the DJ:

First of all, I don't want cheerleaders in the delivery room. I see these overzealous family members and hospital employees who go insane and continuously yell "Push push push push push! You can do it! Let's go! Give me a good one!" No, people! I know I am usually loud and obnoxious, but I think I will prefer quiet support...and I don't mean the Scientology version of birth as in, everyone has to be quiet so the baby will not be soiled by Earthlings kind of way. But a laid back, non-panicked way so that everyone (including momma) is relaxed and non-urgent. Let's hope no panicking is necessary.

Secondly, if I make any screamy, squealy, stuck pig kind of noises, I want someone to slap me. Yes, I know it's hard and painful and stressful, but when I hear these noises, I immediately become embarassed for the women making them and wonder why they would want this televised. Not that I will be on tv. At least I hope not. I'm fine with grunting and heavy breathing, but please don't let me screech like a wounded animal. I hope that an epidural will eliminate these possible embarassments.

Thirdly, I'm not sure how I feel about close relatives seeing my "lady garden". I know my doctor can look at it because I don't think she would recognize me if she weren't. I know my husband has seen it before, so I suppose that's ok, too. I worry that he will become slightly nauseated at this bulging, bursting sight that in no way resembles what he is familiar with. My sister and mom, well, that's ok, too. I very much enjoyed being a part of my sister's labor & delivery, but didn't necessarily "look" - except for an unfortunate peeking as the episiotomy was taking place, which scarred me for years. My mom can watch for obvious reasons, however I expect I will be needing her moral support "up top" if you know what I mean. Then there's my dad...whom I absolutely want with me, but am nervous about him actually seeing my below bits. Someone please tell me that I will not be embarassed when it is all over. As for the in-laws...I love ya, but please wait outside. I definitely don't need you seeing that much of me.

And finally, please don't be alarmed if I am pedicuring my feet often in those days leading up to the birth. Or, better yet, having someone else do it since I know I won't be able to see my feet, let alone reach them. I am extremely anal about my feet and to have anyone in close proximity to them without proper grooming would just be plain bad etiquitte. I also have a feeling I will be requesting some lip gloss and a dusting of powder before (or just after) the birth. I am not photogenic and have not been blessed with the skin of say, my friend Shandi, so frankly, I will need help. I know people will want to snap photos, so I kindly request waiting until I am somewhat presentable. This is the Contrary Mary talking - so please listen!

These are my wishes...so now if anyone is still interested in being present at this exciting and blessed event, I'll see you in 3 months. Or less. Maybe. Not.